30 Days---Day 6

What is the hardest thing you have experienced?

Well...I thought long and hard about this question....

I can honestly say I have not gone through something extremely hard. I am thankful for that, but at the same time I wonder why God makes others go through hard times and not me? But only He knows why. I really don't have an answer to that question. I do know and will never stop believing that my God is a loving God, even when I am dealt those hard times. Or that is my prayer anyway! His timing and His ways are perfect. So in the meantime, I am very grateful.

I have dealt with the death of family members such as my Grandpa and Grandma Paskin (my dad's parents), and a couple of years ago, my Uncle and cousin's husband...both in the same day. That was probably the hardest because it was so unexpected. They were traveling to their job site and were hit...they both died. My aunt lost her husband and son in-law that day, my cousin lost her dad and husband, and my other cousins lost a brother in-law and dad. My dad lost one of his brothers. The kids lost their dad and "poppy". I cannot even begin to imagine what that must feel like for them. It was hard for the whole family, but to be in their shoes, I can't imagine the pain, hurt, and sadness they must feel.

All of that happened just before Christmas. As I said, it was hard for the whole family, but I can't even imagine what they went through and are going through...

Compared to that, the "hardest thing I have experienced" is so little. But I will share it anyway. College the last couple of years. Now don't get me wrong, they have been great. I have so many wonderful memories and friendships from them. I enjoyed them so very much! I grew so SO much as well during that time. So why was it hard? I guess while I had no problem fitting in socially, I did have problems fitting in academically (meaning finding a major that was something I was interested in and passionate about). I was surrounded by all of these people who I wouldn't say loved school -although some did- but they had something they were working towards. They had a goal. They knew what they wanted. Getting there wasn't exactly fun and I know they hated parts of it, but nonetheless there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Soon my friends were graduating and getting "big kid jobs" and I still had no clue what I wanted to do with my life.

For so long I felt like I was wasting my time. I didn't feel like I belonged where I was at. I felt as though there was something else I was supposed to be doing...I just didn't know what. If any of you have ever been at a point in your life where you just have no idea what your purpose is, what your supposed to be doing, and can't seem to find a place where you belong, you know that it's a hard place to be!

Anyway, I am happy to say...several major changes later and years of school with nothing to show for it, and lots of praying, I figured it out. Ministry. I'm still not sure what kind of ministry....whether it is being a missionary in Africa, working with a youth group, just meeting up with people and talking about life/Jesus, leading bible studies, being a pastor, or all of the above (but not all at once! ;))... I don't know. Or maybe it will be none of these things. Maybe God has another form of ministry for me! We'll see what He has planned....whatever it is though, I know I am gonna love it! It's going to be better than I could have imagined!! But for the first time in a long time, I feel as though I belong. Like I am doing exactly the right thing. Like I have a purpose in this world. It's a really great feeling!

And just recently God called me back to Chanute. So here I am. I miss Topeka and all of the wonderful people there, but I am also enjoying my time here. It was a hard move to make (even though it was only a 2 hour move verses moving to a different state/country) but still...it's hard to leave such a great group of people!

So that is my story...the hardest thing I have experienced so far.

-I know if you have been following my blog, you have heard this story before so I apologize for the repeat!-